Not a Great Day

Today was one of those days. I would be remiss if I quantified it as a "bad" day because, in light of real tragedy and suffering, this doesn't even make the ranks. But, I sure didn't have a great day.

I awoke to a 5am mediocre workout. Lately, I have been waking up with hefty to-do lists and since I am totally electronic, I stubbornly refuse to write anything down on paper and mentally review the list that is hidden on my phone somewhere. So, I pretty much repeatedly "task" things in my head.

Even though I had an early start, my actual departure time from my home after the other usual morning routine was MUCH later than planned. So, I mentally re-arranged things and skipped to the 'urgent' needs of my kids. Grace is leaving for Arizona tomorrow so, she needed a few things at Ulta. Noah was out early because of finals so, he reluctantly joined us.

Apparently I took toddlers disguised as teenagers shopping. Picture a girly girl in Ulta (who recently lost a make-up bag...grrr) and a hulking pubescent 15 year old discovering the novelty of round-brushes and you can see my fun. After about 30 aimless minutes and many mindless 'no, we don't need that', and 'oh, ok's' we all hit a breaking point. And, here is why we broke:

I am pretty convinced I was lost somewhere in the thoughts and tangents of my mind at this point. And, in my head was: I did not get the things done that I should have, but it's ok because I had a great lunch with my daughter and I am shopping with my kids. Earlier, I reassured Jeremy that she did not technically lose $100 worth of makeup, it was really only $40. But, as I am eyeing that shopping basket she is holding I am seeing a Benjamin. Also, as cool as it is having my son invite himself to shop with us; he is now clipping my heels and twirling a round brush in his hair. And then, the kids attacked each other. So, I paid, walked out to the car and fell over the edge.

It was one of those moments where I am definitely right on so many levels but, completely wrong in my delivery. And, at the ripe old age of 36, I overly dramatized it...shocker. As if the drama wasn't enough, I belabored the issue. Yes, I nagged....and nagged. And, lectured.

Next, I was relegated to drive Noah to a lacrosse practice about 30 minutes away. Normally, Jeremy transports to these practices but, he was busy and I figured I would shop somewhere nearby or nap in the car. As Noah slept in the car, my mind went into a tailspin. I re-hashed my less than stellar attempt to put my kids in their place and that silly 'to-do' list haunted me. It seems trivial when I look back at it now but, I was feeling a bit funky as I unknowingly drove to the WRONG practice location.

Yes, my son was sleeping and I never drive. He woke up and had a minor flip-out. Thankfully, I can google and I have a NAV system in my car so we were quickly on track and made it to the field on time. Except...there was no practice. As I sat in the car and defended my poor parenting performance to my husband on the phone, my son was questioning me via text from down on the field. He couldn't find his team. I consulted the master schedule and realized I was off a day (more on this in a second) and decided to not act as annoyed as I really was and laughed it all off. Noah and I went to 7-11 for a Slurpee and at this point, I am feeling mildly victorious and all was well even as we battled the I-15 traffic.

I arrived home to a flurry of studying for finals, packing for AZ and a partial celebration of Father's Day. It will be the first Father's Day that we are not all together so, we attempted to recognize it in some way. For the most part, the day was averaging a 'C' and my eyeballs only hurt a little bit. LOL.

Then, a comment on my Facebook post lamenting my pointless drive alerted me to the fact that we had missed practice. The practice time had been moved and as I broke out in a cold sweat, I searched my inbox. Sadly, I overlooked an e-mail and was the only one to blame for this faux pas. I really can't convey how seriously my son takes these things but, I KNEW he would be upset when he found out. He was at youth group (the attendance of which was considered a blessing since 'there was no practice'...LOL) and I am a confessor so, I watched the clock for the better part of an hour waiting for him to come home.

He was obviously a little angered at first but, in the end we all chalked it up to an honest mistake. After the kids were in bed, and I de-briefed the day with Jeremy, he looked at me and said, 'so, not a great day for you then?' I seriously had to laugh out loud and tell you about it.

Jackpot!

I took the kids to 7-11 yesterday for Slurpees after Grace's lacrosse game. A woman in line ahead of us was buying lottery tickets. Curious, we asked if the Mega Millions was really at $244 million. After a yes from the store clerk my next question was, 'when is the next drawing?' After she answered, Noah piped in with a 'do it, Mom'. Grace just looked at me and smiled so, I said to the lady, 'I'll take two. One for you Noah and one for you Grace.' We all hopped in the car and Jeremy just smiled as I tucked them safely in my wallet. I have NEVER played the lotto and I am certainly not condoning it, encouraging it nor do I struggle with gambling. It was on a whim and just for fun.

About an hour later, as I was making dinner and Noah was sitting in the kitchen on the computer doing homework, he asks:

"What if you win mom?"

"I don't know. That would be crazy. I'd buy the church building first and then probably find a lot of ways to spend it."

"Yeah, it'd be cool if you won. But, it would be even cooler if someone won that actually needed it."

To this I just smiled and thought....good point son, good point.

The Comparison Game

My children are 23 months apart. In fact, Noah's birthday is October 31, 1995 and Grace's due date was slated for October 30, 1997. Apparently she was overly eager to join our family and made a dramatic entrance 4 and a half weeks early on September 27th. Although Noah was in a 'not so obedient phase' at this time, he was always good to his sister. They were seriously like two peas in a pod. He was aggressive, and she was passive. He talked for himself and also for her. He gave up any prized possession in his hands just to keep her quiet. (she definitely had a way about her...still does) He was a late start kindergartner for a few reasons and one was, 'what what would Grace and I do at home without him? Why rush things?' So here we are, 15 years later with a freshman and an eighth grader who are trying to make their own way and live in and amongst each others shadows.

A little history:

Noah: I could have left him on a corner at age 2 and he would find a way to a) make it home or b) find a new family

Grace: She was my back pocket child. She literally, held onto my back pocket while out in public for at least five years.

Noah: He was far away from me and as out of sight as possible at a park or the beach.

Grace: She was in my lap or behind my chair in a "tent" made out of a sheet draped over the back.

As normal parents would, Jeremy and I tended to quantify and parent according to obvious, outward personality patterns. That didn't necessarily present itself as wrong or a crisis but, it has proved to make this recent year interesting. Now, back to present day:

This school year was the first time Noah and Grace were not together every day. And, as they each entered into new life experiences we have learned and ARE learning a few key things:

1) Noah casts a big shadow.

2) Grace is up to the challenge. And, the "goose" wants to fly.

3) Noah is practical and black and white.

4) Grace is a thinker, intuitive and wants to really think things through.

5) Noah performs naturally well athletically.

6) Grace will spend an hour in her room telling you about her art and writing, meanwhile she places first in cross county, 3rd in a cheer competition, takes up lacrosse and gets pretty aggressive playing basketball....all in the same week.

7) Academically, they are radically different but both doing very well.

I titled this post 'the comparison game' because it comes up here and there in this house. Each child faces different pressures and challenges and the need for mom and dad's approval only grows. I would never attempt to quantify any phase of parenting in its level of difficulty. I am convinced that when you enter into the parenting realm, you engage in a mission that is bigger than yourself. These children are a gift from God and as parents, we sometimes want to produce bigger and better gifts. Jeremy and I are CONSTANTLY asking God how can we 'slow the roll' and encourage each child in his/her own gifting and not fall into the comparison game.

Even as I get ready to post this and re-read what I have written, I realize that Noah is as close to me as he can be and Grace is always the life of the party. My children, are always growing, always changing. Unique in every way.