Books I am Reading

I have a couple of books by Dr. Dobson that I am currently reading: Bringing Up Boys and Bringing Up Girls.

Yesterday, I was reading Bringing up Girls and stumbled upon a few key pieces of information in chapter 4. Two specific sentences struck me: 1.)'Though estimates vary, it appears that males use about seven thousand words per day; and females, twenty thousand.' (p.33) 2.) 'There will come a time when they will be talking primarily to their peers, and the missed opportunities for understanding and intimacy today will be costly down the road.' (p.34)

Needless to say, I promptly book marked my spot and invited Grace to make dinner with me. I was met with a 'Mom, can I show you plans for my room first?' Wow, my lesson in action could not have been more appropriate. You see, Grace has been talking endlessly about this bedroom redo. She is soon to be 13 and is insistent on a more "mature" room. And, to my discredit, I tune some of it out since the plans are forever changing. But, in this moment I surprised myself and answered a quick, 'Sure!' This answer was not as easy at it sounds because I was on a time constraint and inviting her to MAKE dinner was already a huge deal for me. (I am a bit of a control freak in the kitchen)

So, off to her room we went and measured dimensions and talked and talked and talked and planned and mentally moved every piece of furniture. And, I patiently sat through a virtual room makeover online. Then, the sweetest thing happened. She asked my opinion. This may seem obvious to some but, in this family, Grace is the more stylish and creative one. All in all, it really only took 15 minutes of my time and we still prepared dinner together. It's a small victory but, I pray that I would continue to slow down and listen to all the chatter and random talk.

Take a Breath and Relax

I just returned from lunch with a dear friend and mentor. She is a mother of four children. Three of her children are grown and out of the house and her youngest daughter is a 17 year old college student (yes, I said college) that lives at home with her parents. Although dear friend and I talked about a myriad of things ranging from iPhone apps to medical mysteries, our conversation settled mostly around parenting. And I was all ears, hoping to glean as much information and inspiration as possible.

One thing that I truly cherish about my friend is her willingness to admit her failures and her successes. This past weekend she had the privilege of speaking at a mother-daughter retreat for 4th, 5th and 6th grade girls. Admittedly, this was a phase of life where she struggled with her youngest daughter. So, with fresh and experienced eyes she was able to really see and hear the struggles of some mothers. At one point she said to me: "Of all the things that I wanted to say this weekend, I really just wanted to pull some mothers aside and say, take a breath and relax."

'Take a breath and relax, Sunshine.' I honestly could have heard this straight from God, Himself. I obviously inserted my own name for dramatic effect because dear friend certainly didn't call me out like that. But, thankfully He used dear friend as a mouthpiece this morning because, I really needed to hear that. She continued on to clarify her broad statement by recounting all the test score, reading level, social drama concerns that some mothers had recounted. She finished her statement by saying: "I could sense their fear and I really wanted to reassure them that they wouldn't ruin their little girls."

Yes, the 2 by 4 left a mark. And yes, the wallop felt good. Well, not great but...needed.

I am just being honest here. I do live in fear that I will ruin "my girl". Not all of the time but, definitely some of the time. Sometimes more times than I would prefer. In 1 John 4:18 it says, 'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...' And, I know that this perfect love comes from Jesus alone. And, however hard I try, there is no perfect parenting in me.

So, I am going to let myself off the hook for all the things I have done "wrong" and just take a breath and relax.

The Perfect Gift

My children cleaned the whole house while I was at church this morning!

The dishes were done and the kitchen was spotless. Grace mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom mirrors. The house was dusted, vacuumed and Noah folded laundry! And for effect, Grace lit candles. Wow, Happy Mother's Day to me.

I really must tell you how much this truly blesses me. I joked to a friend today that I was pretty spoiled already and there wasn't much I "wanted". Yesterday, I got a manicure and a pedicure and treated myself to frozen yogurt while the kids were away at friends homes. Jeremy picked up takeout last night while I cozied up in a comfy chair and watched the Lakers. Today, I had a nap planned and I just woke up. I had pretty much indulged in every Mother's Day "treat". So, this act of service was such a surprise.

I am a firm believer that we all give and receive love in different ways. Some of us like physical touch, some prefer words of affirmation and some, myself included, use service as a way of expressing love. I honestly love to serve my family. The things I do as a mother to make their life easier and more enjoyable, bring me joy. (Most of the time.) I have to giggle a bit and confess that sometimes I do complain about excessive laundry, cooking, dishes etc. But, in general doing the "mom" things is just what I do.

So, today was a special treat. I know I sound cliche when I say, I couldn't have asked for anything more. It made me feel like they really do notice all the things I do for them. I mean, they say "thank you" quite often but, today they showed thank you.

And, although I am giving all the thanks to my kids, I have a sneaking suspicion my husband was the mastermind behind the gift. So, thanks to all three of you for blessing me today. Noah and Grace had better watch out though. Now that I have seen their potential in housecleaning, we may need to up the ante in chores. But, that is a whole other blog post.

Momma Bear

A friend of mine and I once shared a joke, 'don't make me go momma bear on you.' We were talking about the defensive feeling we have when we feel our kids were being attacked. Sometimes the momma bear is justified when they are being wrongly accused or in a hurtful situation. Sometimes the momma bear needs to lay low and let the child learn a lesson.

I remember when Noah was about 7 years old and I was still "making" him go to park days with "babies". (Those were his words and he was trying to be a big boy) I stood talking with some other mothers under the shade of a tree and watched as our kids played. It is uncanny to me the gifting God has given us mothers to hold an adult conversation without skipping a beat while keeping an eye trained on our kids at play. As I was watching Noah dive bomb off the top of play structures and zip down the slides, I saw him stop and walk up to a little friend of ours who was probably 3 years old at the time. He had his hands behind his back and said, "Sally, (name changed to protect the innocent) close your eyes and open your mouth." Sally did just as she was told and before I could intervene, Noah dropped a handful of sand in her mouth. {Gasp} Yes, we all gasped. Sally cried. And, Noah turned around and had that busted yet bold and defiant look on his face. My heart sank. No one was outright in their admonishment of my son but, it was clear they were all surprised and disappointed and expected some form of punishment. Suddenly, the momma bear in me kicked in and I jumped to Noah's defense. It was as if I were rescuing him from vultures. 'How dare you judge my son?' I thought to myself. I made a hasty exit and assured everyone I would discipline him at home.

I laugh as I tell the story now but, I really learned a lot about myself that day. 1) I tend to get very defensive about my kids 2) Sometimes I put too much importance on what people think and 3) I better train this boy! Of course there are positives and negatives to each of those things and I think it will be an on-going struggle for balance in my parenting.

Also, I share that story to let you in on something else. Noah knows I share that experience and we laugh about it. In fact, anything you read on this blog will be discussed with my children beforehand. I want to be as careful and cautious as possible and not just throw my kids "under the bus."

This week, I have had the privilege of enjoying lunch with girlfriends who are parenting teens. After much discussion about each of our kids and their struggles and victories in life, I realized we all have one thing in common: We momma bears want the very best for our kids.

New Arrival

I can clearly remember the birth day of both of my children. Noah was born October 31, 1995 when I was the ripe old age of 21. Grace arrived 23 months later on September 27, 1997. I am pretty confident my naivety and youth helped me through those initial years. Also, a healthy community of other mothers parenting toddlers supported me through the sleepless nights, fussy babies, potty training, tantrums and early education of my kids.

My kids are soon to be 15 and 13 and it is as if I blinked and suddenly, I find myself in the throes of parenting teenagers! Now I really understand (and shamelessly say) what old those "old ladies" were saying..."Enjoy it now, because kids grow up fast." Admittedly, as a mother that stands in the shadow of her 5'11" 165lb. baby boy, it does go by too fast and even typing that made my throat tight.

But, as much as I love the memories and miss some of the good 'ol days, I am embracing this new phase of parenting. My husband and I are constantly discussing strategies and methods to guiding our teens through this big, bad world. And, with a lot of prayer and support we intend to enjoy this phase of life and not close our eyes and bare-knuckle, hold on tight and hope for the best. {although I am sure that will sound a lot easier more often than not} In his book, Age of Opportunity, Paul David Tripp writes: A parent recently rejoiced to me that her son had turned twenty, as if he had passed through some magic portal from danger to safety. "We made it!" she said. This survival mentality exposes the poverty of this view of teenagers.

I joked yesterday about my teens and said, "I may need therapy. Not yet, but probably soon." Although I was being sarcastic, my husband always says there is some kind of truth in sarcasm. And, he is usually right about most things. So, this morning I broke out my books, spent some time and prayer and started this blog!

I am also in the process of creating a network of Parents of Teenagers. I announced it at my church, theMovement, yesterday and had an overwhelming response. The goal of the network is to provide relationship, counsel, support and accountability. Please feel free to join me in this venture. Anyone and everyone is invited. You may currently be parenting a teen, exiting the scene but, have something to share or have a toddler and home and you are 'just a planner'. Please leave a comment, follow the blog or send me an e-mail. {if you leave a comment on blogger, please note that you can always comment as anonymous and just sign your name in the text box}

Thanks!